I'm trying to learn to live in a way that I feel o.k. about at any given moment. Life is a complicated ride, and sometimes it can really be tough-sledding. I guess everyone has challenges to face, some more than others. I don't have a thing to complain about, because even on my worst day, I'm still so much better off than a billion other people. I don't know if anyone ever really figures it out. I can really only speak for myself, and I know what to say about that.
I am waaaay behind a lot of people in some of the ways that I understand and interact with the world around me. I am not really sure why that is, and I'm not sure if it matters - I'm not a blamer. I have a long way to go before I can say with any confidence that I am doing a really good job of being a decent person, or being successful by any common measure. I have a lot of personal shortcomings to address and overcome, or to at least set right, and I think I will always have growing-up to do; that never seems to end.
Sometimes I really lose my footing for a moment, too, and whatever I have been doing well, I mess it up a little. This happens to everyone sometimes, I know. It takes a lot of energy and focus to maintain a heavy burden, and even a mule can stumble. I don't know if I mean to compare myself to a mule, but I guess mules are ok. For me, the burden I carry seems to be the weight of my own lack of understanding and personal growth. I have wasted a lot of my life in running from the things that I did not want to face and deal with. I do not relish taking this opportunity to admit that, but I must be sincere.
I must do these things for myself. There are others who I have obligations to in this world, but as everyone who has ever lived and died would tell you, if they could - we all come here alone, and we will leave alone.
That being said, I will go ahead and make my point. I have somehow managed to find myself traveling with another someone who is faced with challenges of her own, and hers are just as tough for her as mine are for me. She is fighting to maintain her identity, independence, and freedom in the midst of the sometimes stifling and difficult situation we share. Sequestered against our will in a place we do not belong, by circumstances we could not have foreseen or prevented, we now struggle to endure a forced period of accelerated relationship-learning. Stuck in a tiny house, with limited everything, waiting for the chance to move forward. It's a chrysalis, and we are liquid caterpillars right now, waiting to get out of it and go. I can handle it, partly because of how much of it is in my hands. It's easier for me to stay optimistic and have faith, because I have been battle-hardened, I guess. But it's a tough thing for her, and it breaks my heart to see her so lost and scared.
I know that everything will be o.k. I KNOW this. I can't make it be so clear in her mind, but I would if I knew how to. I have to try to take care of myself, our things, our situation, and in some ways - her. She doesn't need or want someone to take care of her, and I don't, either, but we are in it together, and we feel best when we care for each other as well as ourselves. It's tough to manage a team when not even having a serious command of the self. Anyone who knows me will readily acknowledge that I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm kind of a mess, sometimes. I don't have any illusions, and I'm not trying to fool anyone. I'm just trying to get it together in time to give myself and this amazing girl a chance to have some really good years together, full of productivity and purpose, and happiness.
It's a lot to shoot for, considering the methods that we have chosen to go about making our way there, but if I can just inspire in her enough faith for her to stick with me through the tough part, I have a certainty, fixed solidly inside of my spirit, that we will find ourselves emerging into a brilliant land of opportunity - of our own making.
I am waaaay behind a lot of people in some of the ways that I understand and interact with the world around me. I am not really sure why that is, and I'm not sure if it matters - I'm not a blamer. I have a long way to go before I can say with any confidence that I am doing a really good job of being a decent person, or being successful by any common measure. I have a lot of personal shortcomings to address and overcome, or to at least set right, and I think I will always have growing-up to do; that never seems to end.
Sometimes I really lose my footing for a moment, too, and whatever I have been doing well, I mess it up a little. This happens to everyone sometimes, I know. It takes a lot of energy and focus to maintain a heavy burden, and even a mule can stumble. I don't know if I mean to compare myself to a mule, but I guess mules are ok. For me, the burden I carry seems to be the weight of my own lack of understanding and personal growth. I have wasted a lot of my life in running from the things that I did not want to face and deal with. I do not relish taking this opportunity to admit that, but I must be sincere.
I must do these things for myself. There are others who I have obligations to in this world, but as everyone who has ever lived and died would tell you, if they could - we all come here alone, and we will leave alone.
That being said, I will go ahead and make my point. I have somehow managed to find myself traveling with another someone who is faced with challenges of her own, and hers are just as tough for her as mine are for me. She is fighting to maintain her identity, independence, and freedom in the midst of the sometimes stifling and difficult situation we share. Sequestered against our will in a place we do not belong, by circumstances we could not have foreseen or prevented, we now struggle to endure a forced period of accelerated relationship-learning. Stuck in a tiny house, with limited everything, waiting for the chance to move forward. It's a chrysalis, and we are liquid caterpillars right now, waiting to get out of it and go. I can handle it, partly because of how much of it is in my hands. It's easier for me to stay optimistic and have faith, because I have been battle-hardened, I guess. But it's a tough thing for her, and it breaks my heart to see her so lost and scared.
I know that everything will be o.k. I KNOW this. I can't make it be so clear in her mind, but I would if I knew how to. I have to try to take care of myself, our things, our situation, and in some ways - her. She doesn't need or want someone to take care of her, and I don't, either, but we are in it together, and we feel best when we care for each other as well as ourselves. It's tough to manage a team when not even having a serious command of the self. Anyone who knows me will readily acknowledge that I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm kind of a mess, sometimes. I don't have any illusions, and I'm not trying to fool anyone. I'm just trying to get it together in time to give myself and this amazing girl a chance to have some really good years together, full of productivity and purpose, and happiness.
It's a lot to shoot for, considering the methods that we have chosen to go about making our way there, but if I can just inspire in her enough faith for her to stick with me through the tough part, I have a certainty, fixed solidly inside of my spirit, that we will find ourselves emerging into a brilliant land of opportunity - of our own making.
